Thoughts On Creativity...

I woke up in the wee small hours of this morning, wide awake with little chance of nodding-off again. I pondered on different things - my future, relationships, people that have been in my life and in some cases, why they aren't any more. Times of unrest often leave me pondersome, I question my own place in the world, what I want to achieve and how to do it. 

I have had a particular aspiration for a while now, a small one really, to fill a sketchbook page every day. It's been something I have tried over and over, but the pressure to be creative so often leads to resentment and a lack of enthusiasm - it becomes a chore. In my drowsy, sleep deprived state I had a revelation. Silly really, but I realised that I am already creative every single day. Be it by hook or needles, pliers or scissors, I am creative EVERY DAY. I have things to show for my hard work, the time that I spend being creative. I make things that make me happy, and in my day-job as a full time crafter I hope that they make other people happy too. 

The standards we set for ourselves can be so destructive. Isn't it funny how self-imposed ideas of "creativity" leave you unable to see the wood for the trees? But how can these habits be broken? I know that some of this comes from my university experience - the decision on what was valid was made by other people, a full sketchbook for example was a tangible show of effort and thought process, a finished product in itself. But I don't have to seek approval any more, I want to keep a sketchbook because I love the act of keeping records of thoughts, of documenting my creative process. I'll keep trying, but I must learn to be less hard on myself. After all, these things are meant to be for my benefit, and for my own enjoyment. 

I don't have the answers just yet, but I feel like this realisation is a good start. 

Thoughts on Being 30 (and a half)

Today is my half-birthday. I am Thirty-and-a-Half and I've been doing some thinking about the whole "being thirty" thing. Now, I can't say that reaching this particular milestone was terribly bothersome to me - twenty-seven was rather more unsettling and I have no clue in my head as to why that was, but thirty was just fine. But I've been thinking about life, and how things change, and how I've changed over the years and I thought I would share some of my conclusions...

I've decided that I'm messy, and I'm busy, and really I'd rather be crocheting than tidying.

I have fewer friends now than I've ever had, because not so long ago it became apparent that fair-weather friends aren't worth the energy, and so there are less friends, but they are good friends. They are the people that know me best, that I could share anything with, that I would do anything for. I love my friends, they are the best! I make an effort to spend as much time as I can with my family, I love them very much, and after living away for so long I make the most of the time I have with them. My life is sweeter for having my friends and family in it.

I am finally reaching a point where I am happy in my own skin. I like my short hair, and I wear what I want, and I love bright coloured clothes and pretty prints and sweet little shoes, and I love big clunky Dr Marten boots, and some days I love Kawaii cuteness and my little pink basket and everything has to be pink, and other days I love Granny florals and my knitting bag and dainty little teacups. Some days I want to go on adventures, and some days I want to hibernate. And that's just fine. It's taken a long time to get here. 

My life as a full-time crafter is a happy one. I don't earn nearly as much as I did working in retail management, but my goodness, I hated working in retail, and I love what I do now. I make my own schedule, I work harder than ever but I have flexibility and I am so proud of my sweet little shop. I wish I could keep a sketchbook more consistently, and I wish I was a little braver at knitting, but I love my little brightly coloured shop, and all of the quirks of being self-employed. 

I must confess that I don't always find life easy, I still don't feel like a grown up, and sometimes I wonder how other people make life look so easy, and seem so capable, and yet I feel so awkward all the time. Of course, I'm sure to other people I seem utterly confident and capable and they probably feel just as awkward as I do on the inside, but still, some days it's really not easy. I watched a Ted Talk recently about how to "fake it 'till you make it" (I've only just discovered Ted Talks and they're really rather interesting, as usual I'm a bit late to the party...) and it really made sense, to keep coming across as confident until eventually you become it... I'm still waiting for it to happen, but the nice lady assures me it will. 

There are lots of things that make me happy - cats, tea, flowers, art galleries, knitting and crochet, cake, silly tv shows, cardigans, old movies, notebooks, pretty jewellery, buttons, taking photographs, reading lots of books, floral fabric, walking in the countryside, going to see my favourite bands, letters, the Harry Potter Studio Tour, vinyl, the seaside, London, museums, charity shopping, vintage brooches, cassettes, my favourite songs, pretty clothes, vintage toys, visiting new places, my garden, art books, home. All of these things are part of what makes me who I am. 

Patrick Caulfield - "Vases of Flowers" 1962 

If you've made it here, to the end of my rambling then thank you, I'm not sure if any of it means anything or is of any value or consequence to anyone but me, but I wanted to share anyway, if only to get thoughts out of my head. 

Taking Stock

Following in the footsteps of the always delightful Pip at Meet Me at Mikes, I am taking stock using her lovely list

Making : granny squares - a blanket and a cushion cover
Cooking : nice and easy Easter Biscuits
Drinking : Tea. Always tea
Reading: "The Power of Six" by Pittacus Lore and "We Are All Completely Beside Ourselves" by Karen Joy Fowler
Wanting: tea dresses and vintage brooches
Looking: forward to Pizza Night and hanging out with husband
Playing: "We Come from the Same Place" by Allo Darlin'
Deciding: what sort of edge would suit my Autumn-coloured cushion
Wishing: for a trip to see the Julie Arkell exhibition at Ruthin Craft Centre
Enjoying: cups of tea 
Waiting: patiently for a day of vintage/charity shopping and cake with one of my dearies
Liking: Allo Darlin' and Making Marks 
Wondering: if starting another pair of socks would be wrong when I have two pairs waiting to be finished
Loving: my Autumn fireplace bunting
Pondering: ideas for pretty things to make
Considering: a new hair cut and possibly going back to brunette (eek)
Watching: "Sherlock", "Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D" and my my current movie of the moment "Splash"
Hoping: for inspiration
Marvelling: at how much I love my new shoes
Needing: a couple of extra hours in the day...
Smelling: not much of anything, still getting rid of a pesky cold
Wearing: my new shoes and newly finished scarf constantly, and my glasses today
Following: lots of lovely new blogs, but always looking for more!
Noticing: that the weather has suddenly changed from Autumn to Winter
Knowing: that the world is a bit of a scary place, but trying to make my little bit of it nice and cosy
Thinking: that I would rather like to have a go at Nale Binding, and arranging a cuppa with someone who can show me how!
Admiring: Sidmouth_Poppy and bodkincreates on instagram
Sorting: the homestead ready for festive cheer
Buying: lots of woolly tights for winter
Getting: a little bit excited for my birthday and the shenanigan plotting that is happening!
Bookmarking: lots of pretty gifty stuff for my favourite folks!
Disliking: the amount of things to do before I'm ready for Christmas
Opening: my eyes and being inspired
Giggling: at my grown up cats playing like kittens
Feeling: a little bit tired after a night in my dancing shoes (my regular shoes just not doing the regular walking)
Snacking: on Rhubarb and Custard sweeties
Coveting: Cath Kidston frocks for my birthday
Helping: lots of people starting off on their crochet adventures
Hearing: some chatter about Christmas, I think the excitement is starting

My Week...

It has been a week of delightful adventures, cake and craftiness. There was a trip to the seaside on Sunday, with a visit to Oriel Mostyn, and a splendid mooch along the seafront. I always enjoy the quaintness, and the peachy pastelness of the hotels. There was also a little bit of time for a trip to Chester, and one to Liverpool, for shopping and festive present buying, and regular tea and cake breaks. 

 



On Thursday one of my dearest, sweetest friends visited, and as always it was like we'd never been apart. There was a wander up to the old castle mound in Oswestry, and a visit to two of my favourite tea rooms and the gallery. It was a splendid day and reminded me yet again of the loyalty from my foul-weather friend that I am more grateful for than I have words to explain.

My personal crafty endeavours this week have mostly been the progress of my latest pair of Frankensocks, squares for my mood blanket and a dainty little crocheted flower. The flower pattern came from a book that had belonged to my Great-Grandmother. It was an opportunity to connect with a lady of whom I have only the vaguest recollections, mostly where dots have been joined by the people that knew her, through their stories and anecdotes. I cherish the idea that I sat working through a pattern that she herself may have tried, wondering if she stumbled at the same points, if she would have found my "magic ring" adaptation interesting or if she stuck rigidly to the instructions. I felt a heavy sense of missing out on the chance to spend time with a kindred spirit, but that I am joined to her with the knowledge that she may have taught my gran to knit, and that she in-turn taught me - the passing of skills from generation to generation. 

Ponderings...

Today has been a pondering day. I have them occasionally with no provocation or explanation. I have wondered about the merits of my life as a full-time crafter, questioned my choices in life and thought about my place in the world. It's been a funny kind of day. I'm not sure that there are conclusions to be found. I try my best to be a good person, to know that I would be the kind of grown up that would make my beloved and dearly missed granny proud. I hope that my little space in the world makes a positive contribution to the world in general. 

I try to fill my little corner of things with craftiness, to make our little house a home. I am trying to fill my time with the people that count, the ones that I feel comfortable with, that make me feel at home. It's not easy, sometimes I get a bit lost, sometimes I forget to listen to the little voice that tells me that I'm in the wrong place with the wrong people, and I've found out from experience that the little voice is usually worth listening to. I guess the conclusion that I'm getting towards is that I need to remember who I am, and surround myself with like-minded people who also understand me. My little place in the world is small, and it needs to be filled carefully. 

I borrowed this image from Freya Ete on Etsy, since I bought the little card on Monday, and it makes me happy. Her shop is beautiful and I love her work.